General warning: Welcome to my personal hell. literally anything and everything goes over here, so just know this page may contain:
my absolutely horrible writing!
(drawn or written) nudity, gore, sensitive subjects

its been a while since ive visited you, my journal which is oh so dear to me... im writing mostly on paper. it feels more natural, im less inclined to have beautiful grammar & sentence structure. nothing has to make sense! its my diary/journal/whatevaerthefuck. anyway. its the start of the new school year, im 3 weeks in, i wrote about this in another place before so you dont need to hear it.
almost every class is fine! im doing great in all of them! except for english. this is my first year of upper level classes & im having an unimaginable amount of trouble communicating with my teacher. ive always been shy like that though, silently struggling... ugh. i wish life was easier and all my responsibilities werent colliding with me at once.... i dont want to go to therapy today, im too tired.
im very aware my classes are quickly paced, they warned me of that, but this is horrible. please show me how to do it! i dont know how! please! i just watnt to go home and make kandi bracelets... im sad...

im surrounded by a group of people i dont know in any capacity. this is.. very unnerving. probably the only autistic person at this table, or the only person incapable of navigating romantic relationships. im so excited to leave! im so excited for therapy today! they all smoke? theyre all gonna die? i wanted to die for the longest time, i really did. these people are killing themselves faster than i ever managed to--if it wasn't for nearly bleeding to death multiple times. oh.... oh god. why do you boast about jeapordising your future? you're.. you're thirteen or fourteen years old. im kindof interested. what if i tried to smoke weed with you? ive never smoked, kept myself away from it for as long as possible but im slowly giving into the temptation. i already promised not to snitch! i would never! i havent even talked to you yet, you're a blank slate with whats close to no opinion of me.
maybe these people really arent that bad. they're struggling, or, at least some of them are. men dont have easy access to therapy. they're shunned for trying to express emotion, from what ive seen as a girl. ive never experienced male anguish--but i feel bad. you shouldnt need to smoke weed at 13. you'll seriously fuck yourself up. i have secrets too. more dark, uh, you know. blades. they're getting dull and i need to find more soon... i cant sharpen a tiny blade with sandpaper, unlesss i want to try and kill myself. so sharp i wont even feel it and oh, oh god i dont need to be thinking of things like this. i was getting better!! i didnt do it as deep last time. nothing was wrong.
alex g- 16 mirrors

ive always had a sense of dread. i felt unsafe my entire childhood; leading into my teenhood. i never looked at memories most would consider happy in a fond light. i'm comforted by the cold grasp of mental illness, loathed and wallowed in it for so long that it became customary for me. im scared to venture out of this hole i dug myself into, blood and dirt intertwined into an ugly, perilous scene

im really embarrased, i was going to lend my pencil to someone, until i freaked out upon realizing i had bitten it to a complete pulp. thats an exaggeration, obviously, but you get the idea. i never ended up giving it to her.. that has to be for the better.

day after valentimes my love is dying out. sorry for no new years update im tired,, bullying succeeded and i might just start posting my climber smut here, because ao3 and other fanfiction archival websites are scary. its like im constantly being judged from every way around. hell,, maybe im just insecure... over the internet? that shouldnt be allowed. but its happening.
has anyone else realized how hard it is to make online friends? friends in general? is that a me thing? people have become cruel tenfold in the current decade. how could you so openly joke about being a racist? or a homophobe?? or anything inbetween? im sitting with my friends while typing this, at lunch, and oh god theyre all assholes. you're so careless to the point you'll joke about CSA. you havent dealt with it yourself either.. plus you're also just a liar? lying about horrible situations for the punchline of a joke? sexual assult and abuse, mocking chinese, god.. it's gotten worse over time.

tomorrow is my last day of this semester! i am failing a lot of my classes. but it's ok. i'm also being lightly bullied, not even by a group of people. kindof just everyone at the school. i dont know what i did wrong, but im guessing something weird or bad?? my bangs are growing out. maybe thats a reason to make fun of me... i dont like it either way. i feel like when i walk by anyone in the hallway ever, i'm being laughed at... erm! anyways. yeah winter break.. going to visit family for winter. and having a white elephant party, soundproof headphones come in handy...
i feel like most of my friends dislike me. they dont share any interests with me, and i'm embarrassed to talk to them about anything i like around them. my interests manifest differently than a "normal" person's would, so i guess it makes sense. i wish going out in the real world was easier. fuck....
> i cant focus on any of my schoolwork either. it sounds weird but its too hard for me. eugh....

today felt different than normal............ wasnt much different but felt exciting and new. huh

hi guys im at school right now ijust got over being sick andim SO OVERIT ALREADY!! i dont wanna be here. i have sooo many assignments to do over thanksgivign break.. god. atleast i get to decorate christmas

11/???/22 (i forgot)
i actually really enjoy the nights where im left alone and the rest of the world is alseep. something about it is so calming, im completely left alone with all my deeper thoughts to bubble up to the surface of my mind. when im at true peace, nothing to disturb me at all.
thinking about how every single message i post here, every conversation i have online, and probably many websites that i hold so beloved to me will be lost to time, or even deleted in an instance. ive kindof come to terms with that thought because in the end, EVERYTHING will eventually be lost when im dead. its a peaceful thought to me.
ive noticed that i think about death very differently than a lot of people. it doesnt seem scary to me, even if it hurts. i hope death itself doesnt hurt (if you understand what i mean) i hope its now how people describe it. i hope its like falling asleep in the car ride home after a long day as a kid, for your mom to carry you inside while youre still asleep.